FINDING HAPPINESS AFTER INFIDELITY

FINDING FORGIVENESS AND COMPASSION

Forgiveness is an essential component of any happy marriage. During the course of a marriage, it is inevitable that spouses will make mistakes, but it is essential to know when and how to forgive. It is natural for a spouse who has been wronged or hurt to develop resentment that can fester for many years and ruin the chance for any happiness. Yet if the resentful spouse values the marriage more than being right and more than being angry, they can find the love and compassion that make forgiveness possible.

Infidelity is one of the most hurtful mistakes that a married person can make. Sexual infidelity is an attack on the sacredness of marriage, on its essence. Yet infidelity is always a joint effort. The spouse who has been wronged needs to understand what they have contributed to the other spouse’s infidelity. No one is unfaithful to a spouse who satisfies all of his or her Six Human Needs.

Whether someone has suffered from a partner’s infidelity, or a couple who has gone through this, we need to review the Six Human Needs and discuss whether the wronged partner was truly satisfying the other’s Six Human Needs.

Remember what these are:

1. CERTAINTY – Certainty that we can be comfortable – to have pleasure and avoid pain. Code words for certainty are comfort, security, safety, stability, feeling grounded, predictability and protection.
2. UNCERTAINTY/VARIETY – Variety and challenges that exercise our emotional and physical range. Our bodies, our minds, our emotional well-being all require uncertainty, exercise, suspense, variety and surprise. Code words for Uncertainty/Variety are instability, change, entertainment, suspense, exertion and surprise.
3. SIGNIFICANCE – Every person needs to feel special, important, needed and wanted. Code words for Significance are pride, importance, achievement, performance, perfection, evaluation, discipline and competition.
4. CONNECTION/LOVE – Everyone needs Connection with other human beings, and everyone strives for and hopes for Love. Code words for Connection/Love are togetherness, passion, unity, warmth, tenderness and romance.
5. GROWTH – Everything is either growing or dying. We need to constantly develop emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.
6. CONTRIBUTION – We all desire to go beyond our own needs and give to others. Everything in the universe contributes beyond itself or is eliminated. 

When partners find it difficult to forgive and are withholding love, affection or support, they need to open their heart and find the love and compassion that make it possible to forgive.

The infidelity is usually a symptom of a much larger issue that underlies the relationship and that needs to be addressed.

KEY CONCEPTS TO APPLY TO YOUR PARTNER, YOUR RELATIVE OR FRIEND:

When someone values comfort and satisfaction most they create problems for their health and their relationships. Is this what is happening with you, your partner, a relative or a friend?

When you substitute the love for  children for the love of your husband and have made demands of the children that were not appropriate for their age. Is that what is happening with you, your partner, a relative or a friend?

When you become jealous of her children’s love for their father. Is that what is happening with you, your partner, a relative or a friend?

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